Lately

I have been feeling down lately. Christmas is approaching real soon and I will celebrate it without my parents this year. How sad! I somewhat thought that I am a family and homey child in our family. My little sister who is actually the one that really want to go out from our home and explore the world. I want it too but I want my parents with me as well. I know, it is kind of selfish, isn't it?

I do not know where to go. Everywhere in Papua is so far away. Minimum public transportation; mini bus and ojeg only. It cost so much and it is not safe enough for me to go alone. I have been disturbed by drunken men three times already. They asked for my money. Funny how the people surround at that time did not take any actions to help. It made me think that it is really common here for the drunken men freely exist until the society have had enough. The main reason for me do not want to go to my relatives' houses is because of the safety. I want them to pick me up but 1) they do not have car, only motorcycle, which is I refused to ride in (I am still in the trauma after crashed the bridge from motorcycle in the dark and almost fell into the gap) 2) the other relative has car but I do not know, I lost contact with them. Not really. I meant, I did not know how we lost contact. Month ago, we were still contacting each other. And because Christmas is coming soon, I contacted them again to make sure they can pick me up somewhere but they never replied my texts and picked up my phone. I asked my mom (because they are from my mom's family) if she could contact them but she also got zero. I kind of disappointed and sad and.. mad (of course! ha-ha!) but then I realized that you made your own family; my family is not only them.

Dad called this morning to check on me and... as always asked if I want or need something. Dad initiated to asked whether I want cookies or not. You know my answer right? ;) Of course I said, yes! :D Then, our conversations became gloomy. Dad asked me where will I spend Christmas. He asked me how many weeks I have for Christmas break (3 weeks). He asked about my mom's relative that according to the previous plan, I supposed to spend Christmas there. I kind of lazy to answer (you know that feeling, right?). He said if I needed help to contact the relative from his side. I said no need because I am this old already. I can do such thing, I am not a kid. To be honest, I did not have intention to visit though, because of the mom's relatives I do not want to go to any 'blood-related family' houses anymore. I do not want to have sleepovers as well. Why am I being like this? It made me sad :( Dad then excitedly offered me to come home (he forgot that I am in Papua right now) and I with a deep sigh answered, "It cost so much, dad. It's 8 millions" I honestly do not have money that much neither my parents. Even when they want to pay for the plan tickets, I feel useless somehow, I feel that I am burdening them again so you know what I am going to say even when I really want to come home.

I am so tired working. I am so tired of preparing lessons. I am so tired making teaching-aids. I am so tired for not having lots of money to spend to. I am tired for not having salaries like my friends who are working under an international or a national plus school label.

Have mercy on me Lord,
Golda -your forever little girl.